AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Studying for the bar is slowly driving me mad. I spend all day studying and yet feel like I have learned absolutely nothing. Actually that is not quite right. I feel like I am slowly getting dumber. On top of that I am having quite the time trying to keep up with the schedule. I just keep telling myself to keep working at it and it will all be over soon.

I told you the other day about my mini freak out. It was about my first practice essay question. To say I did not do well would be putting it nicely. I got my score back today. I was right. I did not do well. Luckily I have some good friends that talked me down from the metaphorical ledge when I was having my moment. I believe her exact words were, "you sucked, so what? You are supposed to suck. If you didn't suck why the hell did you pay like $3000 for a class to get better. You will get better if you just do the course like you are supposed to." I know. Completely logical and obvious advice but sometimes I need someone to remind me of what is right in front of my face.

I am going to sit down and write up and exact schedule to stick to. It is going to SUCK but needs to be done. I am greatly looking forward to the day the bar is over. Though not looking forward to the dread that I just failed the bar exam which I cannot afford to take again that will inevitably set in. As of right now I am keeping my sanity (sort of). Back to studying I go.

Onward we trudge

So taking Sunday off was a mistake. Now I am a little back logged on my bar studies. On the plus side I learned this lesson early on and I am almost caught up. And I have been a good girl and not cut any corners. With that said I have no idea how people work and study for the bar. I could not handle it. I am glad I came home to study. Less things to worry about.

Sorry this is short but running off to see a movie with my brother. Catch you later :)

Beginning the week

I am going to start using my Sundays to sit down and evaluate the past week and prepare for the new week coming. I am going to try to not beat myself up over bad decisions I have made in the past week but rather to learn from them and not repeat the mistake. This applies to study for the bar as well as weight loss.

Last Sunday I imagined where I could be the following Sunday and the work it would take to get there. And while I'm far from a perfect creature and have other non-weight loss responsibilities to improve upon I can totally understand the sentiment "If I can lose weight, I can do anything" and while I haven't mastered weight loss, I'm working on it. OMG! I am fallible! Who knew?? Lol.

I started studying for the bar on May 30. That is part of why I did not keep my promise to write everyday. (I will be better about it, I promise.) The Barbri course is very intense. I have 42 pounds of books to study from and lectures to listen to online 6 days a week. (Which really is more like 7 days a week because on Saturdays are double lecture days. Yesterday I spent 6 hours listening to lecture. That didn't count the other time spent reading and reviewing.) I am not complaining. Well, maybe a little. I just didn't realize how intense the bar review course will be. This is worse than school!

I had a mini meltdown day before yesterday. I had to submit my first graded essay. I followed the instructions to simulate testing settings as much as possible. Regrettably, I ran out of time. I freaked out because I ran out of time and my answer sucked. We have sample answers to compare it to. Thanks to my friends for calming me down and reminding me this was only the first essay and I am supposed to suck. I took the class to get practice in and I will get better with time just like I did with the LSAT. And that it it better to suck now on the practice so I can get better for the real exam. I am not freaking out anymore and I think I have a better perspective on it but I am not going to lie, I am still very intimidated.

Last night I sat down and wrote out every reason I could think of to lose weight (told you I was a list maker). The list has 200 reasons to lose weight and honestly I am sure there are more that were not even thought of. The reason I made this list is to help when motivation is lacking. Sometimes it helps to have why you should do something written down in black and white in front of you, even if you know all the reasons in your head.

In the future I will begin to add my daily food and study journal to my blog and pictures. But for now the food journal is just for me to track. I plan to take measurements once a month and weigh-in once a week. I will not weigh or measure myself more often than that. I don’t want to become numbers driven or drive myself (and you crazy). Fact of life: muscle weighs more than fat. My interest is more in being healthy and in better shape than being thin. If my weight does not go down or maybe goes up, I will consider it a success if my measurements go down.

That being said her is where we are starting at:

 Height:           5’9”    (actually 5'8 and 3/4" if I am being honest)                    weight: 296.5 lbs

Measurements: 

Upper arm: 17.25" (I know this is a weird place to measure but I have had some tops not fit because they did not fit my upper arm in the sleeve)

 Bust: 52"         Waist 45.5"             Hips 55"

Calves: 18.5" (I know another odd one but I have always wanted knee boots but have a hard time find some that fit my calves)

So that is my starting point. I am taking most of today off of studying to decompress, do some chores and go to a family dinner at my Dad's house. I will write more tomorrow.

Leaving on a jet plane...

Hey! Sorry I have not been updating for awhile. Life has been crazy with my family coming into town for graduation, the award ceremony/my brother's birthday (they happened the same night), graduation and moving. (oh and when I disconnected my cable on Friday they cut my internet too. BOO!) As of yesterday, I closed my door and locked my apartment for the last time. It's very bittersweet. I know I am moving on to a new chapter in my and it will be even better, hopefully. But that was my first apartment that was all mine. I had always lived with family or roommates in the past.

Today, I am getting on a plane to fly home to Seattle for the next 7 weeks, after I turn my keys in to the apartment manager. Office was closed due to the holiday yesterday. Tomorrow, I start studying Barbri (it's the bar exam prep course). All 40 pounds of my text books for the class arrived safely to my family's home last month. I wish I could bring Lord Pugsley with me to Seattle but it's expensive to fly dogs and I am not certain my step-dad's cats wouldn't gang up on him. He will be staying with one of my brothers while I am out of town.

Sorry not writing more today but I have to start getting ready to catch my flight. I will do my best to write at least a little something everyday and to start posting pictures. Until tomorrow I will leave you with this song. I think it portrays the bittersweet feelings of my leaving nicely. To my law school friends, I promise I am not disappearing. I will be back :)

Feeding Tube Diet???

I heard this from a friend the other day and I hoped (prayed) it was a joke. Bad sadly no. Brides, before their weddings, are using a feeding tube for 10 days to lose weight. Yes, that's right, the kind of feeding tube they give patients who can no longer eat on their own. These women are going to doctors who fit them with a feeding tube that goes into the nose, down through the esophagus and directly into the stomach. They are then fed a solution that contains no carbohydrates, just protein and fat, and totals 800 calories a day. They carry the solution around in a tote bag they wear on their arm that looks like a purse.

I wondered why on earth any doctor would do this to a healthy patient who could lose weight on their own by cutting calories. Then I read about the cost. According to the New York Times, it costs $1,500 for 10 days. That includes the doctor's care, the equipment and the solution. Wow! Apparently this is nothing new in Europe, but it's new here in the United States.

You can lose weight if you cut your calories. Anyone can. I wish people would diet sensibly, slowly (you know the way you put the weight on). No matter what you weigh you will be beautiful on your wedding day.

Weekend :)

I LOVE the weekend! At the end of a long week it’s so nice to be able to leave campus and know I don’t have to return for a couple days. So last night was Barrister’s Ball a.k.a. law school prom (yes, law school has prom…stop giggling). I had a great time with my friends.

After I got home from prom I was laying on my couch exhausted (partly because I got up at 6 that morning spent most of the day at school and then the evening at prom) because my friends I spent most our time there dancing (btw the D.J. was awesome). As I lay on my couch feel good but exhausted and knowing my legs will be sore the next day from all the dancing, I decided to look up what calories I burned dancing. According to dietwatch a person my size (well if I am honest a person who weighs almost 50 pounds less than me) burns 1,144 calories with 2 hours of dancing. I ate pretty well during the day. In the interest of honesty I will admit there was a lot of munching on chex mix at prom. All in all I consider the day a success.

The plans for today: a craw fish boil thrown by the school. This will be the second time I have had craw fish. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. There is a lot of delicious seafood there but no craw fish. The craw fish was delicious when I first tried it…wow was it really 2 years ago. So I am sure I will enjoy it this time.
 
So far this is turning out to be a great weekend so I decided to write about non food related things that make me feel good. So here is my list of delights:

Manicure/pedicure

Getting my hair done

Bubble bath

Playing with my pug (Lord Pugsley Von Scruffington III, Pugsley for short)

Taking a hot shower

Watching a good movie

Drinking a good cup of coffee

Going for a night out with the girls

Going dancing

Going on a picnic

Going to an art show

Random acts of kindness

Flowers

Listening to music

Reading a good book in front of a fire

Creating a personal and beautiful space

Going to the movies

Playing board games with loved ones

Having a glass of wine

New clothes

I make this list as part of my goal in changing habits. When I get stressed studying for, or even thinking about, the bar exam I will turn to one of these things rather than to food.

Tips to Live by

I don’t have a degree in nutrition, but I think I have a little insight into what works and doesn’t work in a diet. Maybe you will read this list and think “uh, duh?” but sometimes when cravings kick in and our bodies feel like they’re not our own, but some fat/carb/whatever craving monster, it’s easy to forget these tips.

Here’s a list of dieting rules I am going to do my best to follow.

1. You made the choice to eat this way- live it or forget it. I have gotten so frustrated listening to people whine about not being able to have this or that. You know what whiners? You MADE the CHOICE to eat/live whatever way you’re doing. Does it suck that you REALLY want a piece (or 3) of peanut butter cheesecake and your size 2 girlfriend can eat all of it she wants? Sure it sucks, but what are you going to do about it? Sabotage yourself over cheesecake and beat yourself up over it? No! Every day our lives are full of CHOICES that we must live with. Embrace the choice you made and don’t beat yourself up over things you have the CHOICE to not feel bad about.

2. Set yourself up for success. Sometimes, the choices we make, even subconsciously, are contradictory to what is best for us. Take responsibility for your diet and set yourself up for success. If you have a family who doesn’t eat what you eat, seperate their food from your food. Don’t let the chips and soda stare you down every time you go to the kitchen. Before going to the grocery store, get in your mind of what you want to prepare for yourself that will be on your plan and fulfilling and make a grocery list. Don’t go on auto-pilot to the grocery only realizing you only bought junk. I know it’s cliche, but “fail to plan, plan to fail.”

3. If you hit a speed bump, keep on’ rollin’. One thing I learned from quitting smoking is if you slip it’s ok. This does not have to derail all your hard effort.  If you have not smoked for 6 months but have one cigarette when you go out to drinks with friends are you going to let this stop you? No! Forgive yourself, and get back up on that wagon. If you’re driving and hit a speed bump, what do you do immediately after? Hit the gas! Do the same thing with your diet- you can’t move forward if you hit the bump and just sit there.

4. If you’re not doing it for yourself, you won’t be successful. There are so many reasons to want to lose weight. Appearance being the most obvious of them all. Maybe you think you’ll have more friends or you will be liked more. Whatever. If you’re not doing it for yourself, screw it. You have to have personal accountability. If you are internally motivated by true selfish reasons, you will find your path to success paved with gravel instead of boulders. If you’re motivated by external forces like the opposite sex or cute designer clothes, when times get hard, they’re easy to dismiss and move back into your old habits. On the other hand, if you’re motivated by your true desire to feel better about yourself or to not be winded after hauling your ass up a flight of stairs- those things are ones that run deep, and you can remind yourself of them every day.

5. Though your goal is to lose weight you still need to eat. I have watched many friends starve themselves under the guise of a “diet”. I don’t even mean the strange fad diets. I mean honestly not taking in enough calories. If your nutrition plan says you need to eat 1100 calories a day eat 1100 calories a day, or as close to as possible. You are not doing anyone any favors (especially yourself) by cutting that 1100 to 600. This is just as bad for you as being overweight (if not worse). Bodies need sustenance to function. Just remember you are losing weight to feel better. Are you going to feel better if your body is not getting what it needs to function? I don’t think so.